I have been sitting here at this laptop for about 20 minutes now. I have wanted to share my heart.
I want to type the words that convey the feeling that exists inside my heart right now.
But I don’t want it to come out the wrong way.
I don’t want the actual words to distract from the intent.
I want my heart to share how hard this is, but for there to be no blame.
Because this isn’t about blame.
This is all about design.
What my heart desires is relationship.
What they are going through is design.
I am currently the momma of two teen boys.
And it’s hard.
But it’s also so amazing.
Can those two things exist simultaneously?
In one breath I want them to be coming into who they were created to be.
But I also want to hold onto them. To snuggle with them. To lay with them and giggle.
You see I don’t think I have quite caught up.
I see the young men you are becoming.
I am proud.
I have respect.
But my heartaches.
I don’t say that because I want you to cease and not move into your best life.
I say it because it’s the raw truth.
How my momma heart beats.
I know when I look at you that you are trying to sort through all this too.
But I will honor your need and desires over mine.
Not as a martyr, but as one who truly loves you.
I will respect you.
I am your biggest fan.
I see you and I am in awe.
I smile and thank the Creator for His perfect design.
For His design exists in the emotions. The tears. The joy. The unsettled.
This is where we are boys.
Right here in the midst of this.
I love you.