Yesterday in church all I could think of was my ‘need’ for God. A desperate dependence. At one time I would have been ashamed of this weakness. For I fully equated need with weakness. Being in need meant I wasn’t doing something right. We reside in a world that shouts independence. And yet our very DNA was created for dependence. We are wired to be needy. Needy for love, a love that will embrace us, fulfill us, sustain and empower us. These past few weeks I have begged my God to fill me with His strength, as I have an incredible need. A need to kick an addiction. A need to retrain my brain. Renew my old messed up way of thinking. I desire to be free from that which holds me captive and sucks the life out of me. I have struggled for far too many years. I have journaled, I have cried, I have blogged about it and prayed about it. Begged God to free me from it. But it wasn’t until yesterday that something shifted in me. I have a need. I am weak. I can’t do this in my strength alone. His strength is needed. I have for years eaten to reward myself. “It’s a treat.” “I have earned this.” “I deserve this.” “This will make the ache go away.” “This will crowd out the loneliness.” But it never works. The disappointment of ‘using’ food leads to self- flogging and self-disappointment. And the amount of head space it takes up is gruesome. So much time and energy spent captive in this cycle. An addiction, when ‘it’ becomes all you think about. It takes up way too much me. The before thoughts, the during thoughts and the afterthoughts. Too much. Not everyone can see this struggle. As it mainly goes on inside my little blonde head. So I have struggled alone. Pride. Embarrassment. All the issues.
But maybe I am not struggling alone. Just maybe your ‘it’ isn’t food. But is there something that takes up too much head space?
Is there something that needs dealt with but you can’t do it in your own strength?
Addictions make us feel weak. Desperate. In need.
It’s not a comfortable feeling. Thus the cycle continues.
This is NOT what we were created for.
When we choose to walk our journey hand in hand with our Creator, He helps us. He loves on us. He leads us through the harder steps. He kindly and gently whispers to our hearts; “daughter I want you to feel true freedom in your soul, walk this way, with Me. I have you.”
Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26